Alone in Regrets

Visions of our future
drift through my mind
scattered and broken are they
through trials and tests of time
feelings of abandonment
though you'd never really left
and dreams I'd seemed to carry
alone on my shattered back
where were you
when times were so hard
for there next to me
your smile never faultered
and your carefree never dimmed
had you ever worried as I
or wondered if we'd survive
or had you taken for granted
the pain I carried
and the way I struggled on
here in the present
with fear in my eyes
can you feel my unhappy
resting at your side
will you notice how I'm writhing
or plant excuses at my feet
will you learn to pull your weight
or leave me to defeat
how long can this last
when I feel so beaten down
alone in my worries
forever seeking a crown
of approval, of your thanks
sheltered in regret
will you ever be enough
to calm my storming head

Last Kiss

Bite my lip, crave the kiss.

Razors dancing for liquid life,

nestled in a cradle of skin.

Falling from my fingertips,

prick my thumb like a thorn,

and rest upon my shattered hip

A breath of lonely in my ears,

sighs of relinquishment

lingering in the air.

Welcoming this gloomy touch,

engulf my flesh,

make this enough.

Breed the pain.

Shelter the woes.

Longing fill my breathless howls.

As the eve grows dimmer still,

ease my suffering

with lifeless chills.

Caress my being

in a hallowed light.

Crimson blankets of what was

surrounding every inch.

Now I've finally broken free,

forever lying in my peace.

Shackles no longer

binding my heart.

My eyes are open

but, color is gone

all shapes forgotten

and hurt is no more.

A smile playing on my lips,

death came to claim

my rosy kiss.

Your Shining Star

I can see you struggle

with each passing day

knowing theres nothing

with which to ease your pain

I'm holding out my hand

waiting for you to grab hold
It catches then slips
but I won't let go
I'll keep you close
and help you grow
'till you're strong enough
to stand on your own

Loving You

Would it make me feel better
if you say I look alright?
Would it make it all easier
if i just turn off the lights?
So you don't have to see me
hurting like this
and I swear that I'll not let us die
I just need a little time to figure this out.
My worst thoughts and worries
are all coming to life.
And though I know that you'll be with me
through the toughest and the best of things,
I still feel the pit in my stomach
growing stronger in fear.
So I'm gonna hide my face,
and close my eyes for a while.
To the moon and to the stars
to a place not quite so far,
that you can't catch me before i fall
and bring me back
to hold me in your arms again
and whisper of how you are longing
to be free with me
for eternity
we could sit here intertwined like this
simply lay and reminisce
of times that were better than they appeared
really we don't have much
but just each other feeling close
trembling from the heat and cold
of our bodies telling stories
all through the bitter nights
as you wipe the tears from my face
I fall deeper into your embrace
making love and sweet memories
washing away the pain
drowning out my sorrows
with your touch

and i hide my face
behind my eyes I'm starting to fly
to the moon and to the stars
to a place not quite so far
that you don't catch me as i'm falling
and bring me back
to hold me against your chest
and rest to the beating of our hearts
finally feeling free just to be
for eternity
Here with you is all i sought
to know your warmth
by the fires dancing light
wrapped  in blankets
up to our noses
fighting off the world
and all their fake red roses
their promises of better things
oh i know too well they cannot be
the best is where i am right now
fitting in your arms so perfectly
we've made it so far together
holding hands through time and space
continuing our loving state
overcoming tests and trials
others drug us through
just to stretch our strength
to test our devotion
we know where our loyalties lie
in the time that's passed
we've seen pain and conquered sorrow
surpassed misery and land here on our feet
our affections have come to last
I won't hide my face anymore
or close my eyes to cry
you've seen me for all i am
holding me helping me stand
together to the moon, to the stars
never straying very far
holding strong so we don't fall
back to reality, safe and bright,
and caress each other until mornings light
freely loving you
for eternity

The Final Chapter

My head is screaming you're no good

my heart is crying as it should

you're face engraved in my mind

though I know I need to leave it behind

I'm worth so much more

of this I am too sure

but I don't know how to leave you

and its more than my heart can stand to do

you've got your claws gripping deep

and I've kept hoping you're something to keep

I know now that what I see

is just a fragment of reality

my veins are popping and my chest is bruised

all this is part of your daily muse

to get me to stay and love at all costs

I'm fighting a battle I long ago lost

to forget would be utter bliss

but it's hard to erase that one first kiss

truly I've been blind to see

what you really do to me

I've given you all that I can

so why then is here where we stand

You had your vices and I had mine

I thought they would smooth over time

It's really over this time around

I've finally touched the cold hard ground

I cant take this any more

grab your coat and find the door

you've taken all my sanity

there's nothing left here for me

walk out and go quietly now

get your stuff and just skip town

this is time it's really the end

don't even try to pretend

I tried everything i could

you even said you understood

really you were all just lies

clever words meant to disguise

the things you did to make it seem

like you were surreal like a twisted dream

you've taken your turn

and heard my words

now take me final plea

and just be done forever with me

Proud

She yelled some more

I did it again

just another disappointment

i left at her door

though i tried

hard as i might

she'd never understand

my desperate plight

to be appreciated

to hear her say aloud

"My daughter you've done wonderful,

you really make me proud."

but i know i'll never hear that

and she will never speake those words

because my best just isn't good enough

and it could never make her proud

Ritual

Everyday she wonders.
Everyday she cries.
Everyday she opens her knife
and lets her blood fly.
Hoping not to be here.
Hoping not to awake.
Hoping just to slide on by
without a single quake.
These feelings they are ritual.
These feelings are a norm.
These feelings leave her all alone,
in isolation she is torn.
No on ever noticed.
No one ever cared.
No one ever tried to see
her broken heart that could be spared.
She lives a life of mystery.
She lives a life of fear.
She lives a life of sadness,
that always brings her tears.
Everyday she wonders.
Everyday she cries.
Everyday is Ritual.
No one will see her die.

Her Final Masterpiece

so... I wrote another poem... this one not about me... even though it says I... I guess I am just a bit depressed so I got inspiration and the adjectives and nouns just started flowing... oh well... here it is... once again ... not about me... I already have my masterpiece... don't need to die to see it


She walks down the hallway
with a smile on her face
everywhere she goes
grace follows in her place
nobody suspects what she hides
behind her sparkling blue eyes
she says hello to me
and bats her lashes at the sky
teachers love her
because she always gives her all
nobody knows what she keeps
behind her false fronts
She goes home
continues pretending
trying to be something
they want her to be
nobody understands
how shes breaking inside
A day goes by,
her parents become worried
they wiggle the door knob
but its jammed
by the time they get it open
it will all be too late
She finishes her note
as the last part of her masterpiece is complete
her last breath is taken
she whispers that shes sorry she couldn't be
everything they wanted her to be
all their expectations
everything they'd planned
she knew she'd never measure
so why try to succeeding
when she'd already failed
They finally got in
they broke down the door
saw their little girl lying there on the floor
in a pool of her blood
they cradled her head
and cried to heavens
they'd lost their poor baby
of whom they adored
they noticed the note
wet and blood stained
Daddy opened it and read
shocked he never knew all her pain
She was happy so it seemed
but inside she was dying
she was living up their dreams
they would never be happy
Oh, if only they knew
all her plans shattered left askew
police investigations
of course it was suicide
they never saw it coming
she hid it so well
her mask never faltered
she kept her feelings inside
or on a sheet of paper
they opened her diary
and read it aloud
they realized they didn't know anything
about their baby girl
she always wore a smile
she always braved the day
she told me that she loved me
but I thought it was just a game
now shes gone and its too late
she never knew I felt the same

Mistake

Ever felt like you don't matter?
Like everyone you know is a fake?
Like if you take off your mask, the real you isn't worth seeing?
Like everyone around you deserves better than what you have to offer?
Have you ever felt like you were a mistake and no matter how you try to fix it you just make it worse so you feel like hurting yourself as punishment for being so stupid?
I do.
Everyday.
I am a mistake.
M-I-S-T-A-K-E
my kindergarten teacher taught me to spell words by looking at it, reading it, spelling it, then reading it again.
M-I-S-T-A-K-E
Its a word I know well because its what I am.
My mom didn't want to get pregnant with me.
I was a nuisance that made her drop out.
I burdened her life with the useless piece of crap she is cursed to call her daughter.
Me.
M-E.
Me.
Describe that.
Its hard.
You can't get a straight answer, because I don't even know who that is anymore.
I haven't made the world a better place by being in it, because I haven't done anything to improve it.
So I don't know who I am.
But I know who I've become.
This is me.
I don't need a mirror to see that I am ugly.
All I have to do is look inside of me.
-Kitty-

Gone At Last

The eye watches
beholds controls
rips at what
we barley know
Love betrays
contorts, and mocks
a road of blindness
we willingly walk
Hearts shatter
break and cry
Maybe sometimes
its better to die
The unknown
hides, shaded
left in darkness
where I cry
You take me
Shake me, throw me out
No drought left
I sigh and count
Moments left have I to live
your last chance
before we conceive
what cannot be
Irreversible is the end
drowning, sinking
falling fast
farewell my love
I'm gone at last

Everything

I sit here alone
on the edge of existence
cradling my life
in the palm of my hand.
The rest of eternity
hinging itself
to this one moment.
Capturing one last breath
as you steady the blade
that glides over my heart
as well as my wrist,
you end everything
I have come to live for,
by ending everything
that we were.

At War with Me

So quickly I grew used to having you around
so much I trusted and loved you but now its over
can't change what I've done
lost you for good this time
for better or for worse
before death did we part
we split and I played it off like I didn't care
lying to myself again and again
hoping to make my lies reality
I hide my feelings of pain
under my sleeve and in my heart
slowly the pain of losing you
Is carving a deeper hole into my flesh
you run down my arm
and pool on the floor in a puddle before my feet
my mind keeps spinning and I see your face everywhere
as it haunts my heavy heart
more quickly now
you are carving your essence of addiction into me
tormenting my soul
thoughts of you dangle throughout my troubled mind
set me free from misery
let my heart soar
my bleeding stop
and my hope restore
let me continue to live a lie
because its all I know any more
because its all I let myself see.

Ship Wrecked

With every tear running down my face
you can't imagine the pain I want to erase
with every ticking of my dieing clock
you can't keep up.
so here I stand
here I stand
waiting for you
and wanting you,
and knowing you won't come,
you won't come,no.
Dieing now ever so slowly
As the tears pour from my bloodshot eyes
I use my blade and erase the pain
you willingly handed me
you turn your back on me again
turn my gut within me again
and i leave no trace of ever wanting you
no trace of the love I ever had for you
cause there I stood
there I stood
waiting for you
and wanting you
but you never came
you never came
no
My blood runs cold now
my heart beats slow now
my breathing stops,
screeching to a halt.
With a jolt I awake
your not worth my pain
'n' your not worth my time
if you can't see what you're missing
then baby you don't deserve this heartache of mine
and I was there
I was there
waiting for you
wanting you
to finally see me
but you wouldn't come
you wouldn't come
and now I give my love
to someone who will return
the love without the hate.