The Final Chapter

My head is screaming you're no good

my heart is crying as it should

you're face engraved in my mind

though I know I need to leave it behind

I'm worth so much more

of this I am too sure

but I don't know how to leave you

and its more than my heart can stand to do

you've got your claws gripping deep

and I've kept hoping you're something to keep

I know now that what I see

is just a fragment of reality

my veins are popping and my chest is bruised

all this is part of your daily muse

to get me to stay and love at all costs

I'm fighting a battle I long ago lost

to forget would be utter bliss

but it's hard to erase that one first kiss

truly I've been blind to see

what you really do to me

I've given you all that I can

so why then is here where we stand

You had your vices and I had mine

I thought they would smooth over time

It's really over this time around

I've finally touched the cold hard ground

I cant take this any more

grab your coat and find the door

you've taken all my sanity

there's nothing left here for me

walk out and go quietly now

get your stuff and just skip town

this is time it's really the end

don't even try to pretend

I tried everything i could

you even said you understood

really you were all just lies

clever words meant to disguise

the things you did to make it seem

like you were surreal like a twisted dream

you've taken your turn

and heard my words

now take me final plea

and just be done forever with me

Proud

She yelled some more

I did it again

just another disappointment

i left at her door

though i tried

hard as i might

she'd never understand

my desperate plight

to be appreciated

to hear her say aloud

"My daughter you've done wonderful,

you really make me proud."

but i know i'll never hear that

and she will never speake those words

because my best just isn't good enough

and it could never make her proud

Ritual

Everyday she wonders.
Everyday she cries.
Everyday she opens her knife
and lets her blood fly.
Hoping not to be here.
Hoping not to awake.
Hoping just to slide on by
without a single quake.
These feelings they are ritual.
These feelings are a norm.
These feelings leave her all alone,
in isolation she is torn.
No on ever noticed.
No one ever cared.
No one ever tried to see
her broken heart that could be spared.
She lives a life of mystery.
She lives a life of fear.
She lives a life of sadness,
that always brings her tears.
Everyday she wonders.
Everyday she cries.
Everyday is Ritual.
No one will see her die.

Her Final Masterpiece

so... I wrote another poem... this one not about me... even though it says I... I guess I am just a bit depressed so I got inspiration and the adjectives and nouns just started flowing... oh well... here it is... once again ... not about me... I already have my masterpiece... don't need to die to see it


She walks down the hallway
with a smile on her face
everywhere she goes
grace follows in her place
nobody suspects what she hides
behind her sparkling blue eyes
she says hello to me
and bats her lashes at the sky
teachers love her
because she always gives her all
nobody knows what she keeps
behind her false fronts
She goes home
continues pretending
trying to be something
they want her to be
nobody understands
how shes breaking inside
A day goes by,
her parents become worried
they wiggle the door knob
but its jammed
by the time they get it open
it will all be too late
She finishes her note
as the last part of her masterpiece is complete
her last breath is taken
she whispers that shes sorry she couldn't be
everything they wanted her to be
all their expectations
everything they'd planned
she knew she'd never measure
so why try to succeeding
when she'd already failed
They finally got in
they broke down the door
saw their little girl lying there on the floor
in a pool of her blood
they cradled her head
and cried to heavens
they'd lost their poor baby
of whom they adored
they noticed the note
wet and blood stained
Daddy opened it and read
shocked he never knew all her pain
She was happy so it seemed
but inside she was dying
she was living up their dreams
they would never be happy
Oh, if only they knew
all her plans shattered left askew
police investigations
of course it was suicide
they never saw it coming
she hid it so well
her mask never faltered
she kept her feelings inside
or on a sheet of paper
they opened her diary
and read it aloud
they realized they didn't know anything
about their baby girl
she always wore a smile
she always braved the day
she told me that she loved me
but I thought it was just a game
now shes gone and its too late
she never knew I felt the same

Mistake

Ever felt like you don't matter?
Like everyone you know is a fake?
Like if you take off your mask, the real you isn't worth seeing?
Like everyone around you deserves better than what you have to offer?
Have you ever felt like you were a mistake and no matter how you try to fix it you just make it worse so you feel like hurting yourself as punishment for being so stupid?
I do.
Everyday.
I am a mistake.
M-I-S-T-A-K-E
my kindergarten teacher taught me to spell words by looking at it, reading it, spelling it, then reading it again.
M-I-S-T-A-K-E
Its a word I know well because its what I am.
My mom didn't want to get pregnant with me.
I was a nuisance that made her drop out.
I burdened her life with the useless piece of crap she is cursed to call her daughter.
Me.
M-E.
Me.
Describe that.
Its hard.
You can't get a straight answer, because I don't even know who that is anymore.
I haven't made the world a better place by being in it, because I haven't done anything to improve it.
So I don't know who I am.
But I know who I've become.
This is me.
I don't need a mirror to see that I am ugly.
All I have to do is look inside of me.
-Kitty-

Gone At Last

The eye watches
beholds controls
rips at what
we barley know
Love betrays
contorts, and mocks
a road of blindness
we willingly walk
Hearts shatter
break and cry
Maybe sometimes
its better to die
The unknown
hides, shaded
left in darkness
where I cry
You take me
Shake me, throw me out
No drought left
I sigh and count
Moments left have I to live
your last chance
before we conceive
what cannot be
Irreversible is the end
drowning, sinking
falling fast
farewell my love
I'm gone at last

Everything

I sit here alone
on the edge of existence
cradling my life
in the palm of my hand.
The rest of eternity
hinging itself
to this one moment.
Capturing one last breath
as you steady the blade
that glides over my heart
as well as my wrist,
you end everything
I have come to live for,
by ending everything
that we were.

At War with Me

So quickly I grew used to having you around
so much I trusted and loved you but now its over
can't change what I've done
lost you for good this time
for better or for worse
before death did we part
we split and I played it off like I didn't care
lying to myself again and again
hoping to make my lies reality
I hide my feelings of pain
under my sleeve and in my heart
slowly the pain of losing you
Is carving a deeper hole into my flesh
you run down my arm
and pool on the floor in a puddle before my feet
my mind keeps spinning and I see your face everywhere
as it haunts my heavy heart
more quickly now
you are carving your essence of addiction into me
tormenting my soul
thoughts of you dangle throughout my troubled mind
set me free from misery
let my heart soar
my bleeding stop
and my hope restore
let me continue to live a lie
because its all I know any more
because its all I let myself see.

Ship Wrecked

With every tear running down my face
you can't imagine the pain I want to erase
with every ticking of my dieing clock
you can't keep up.
so here I stand
here I stand
waiting for you
and wanting you,
and knowing you won't come,
you won't come,no.
Dieing now ever so slowly
As the tears pour from my bloodshot eyes
I use my blade and erase the pain
you willingly handed me
you turn your back on me again
turn my gut within me again
and i leave no trace of ever wanting you
no trace of the love I ever had for you
cause there I stood
there I stood
waiting for you
and wanting you
but you never came
you never came
no
My blood runs cold now
my heart beats slow now
my breathing stops,
screeching to a halt.
With a jolt I awake
your not worth my pain
'n' your not worth my time
if you can't see what you're missing
then baby you don't deserve this heartache of mine
and I was there
I was there
waiting for you
wanting you
to finally see me
but you wouldn't come
you wouldn't come
and now I give my love
to someone who will return
the love without the hate.

You

Everything was fine
till you pushed it to far
you knew you couldn't do it
you knew your strength wouldn't hold
you knew later you'd suffer
but you didn't think we would too
Have you ever stopped to think
about the ones who care for you
about the ones who love you so
about the one little girl who you'd hurt
and how she'd writhe inside
each time you did something that could cost you your life
Did you ever start to wonder
What if you weren't here?
What if you'd never existed?
What if you were never born?
Well there'd be a kid you could count on
that would feel an explosion of grief because something would always be missing
Theres more than one kind of hole in hearts
there's flesh and theres emptiness
there's physical and mental
they're both real and potentially dangerous
and the kind you have puts one in mine
though they're different, one hurts worse and cuts you down to the core.
I bet you never pondered
that someone would care this much
that someone would share your pain
that someone would die inside
every time you just weren't there
and the irresolution of whether or not you ever could be again would take hold

My Love

If only you knew
what you do and the pain,
the pain you put me through
if only I could show you
how you've hurt
my inner child.
I really want to believe
you're the hero I'd always thought you'd be
but the thought always leaves me distraught.
One more drink might be your last.
One more drink just do it fast.
You mean the world to me
if only you knew
I was alone and scared
and punished for being only me

and loveing you

A concealing

You Love the me I pretend to be
But do you know who hides
deep in my shadows
a secret lies
that will change all you have thought of me
all that I am left to portray
is a character bound by dismay
You love the her she pretends to be
and know not of the secret she hides
though it may change all you have thought of her
you pressure all the more
to see what she keeps behind the doors
if she steps out
do you promise to still love me like before?
she has a secret fantasy
Someday she will come out and tell the world
but they won't understand
so here she resides behind locked doors
hiding who she's been
because of who she is

I Love You

I love you!
What does it truely mean?
to me it is always just a cliche
an overly used bunch of words
"I love you!"
I say it often
but does it mean anything?
words are nothing
they are used blindly
and thrown everywhere
People take them to heart
I try to block them out
I try to be oblivious to all else
but although its what I want
no on will leave me alone
SO...
I love you isn't what I should say to you
because you are more special to me
than any bunch of words could ever be